If You Cum Blame Me Baby

I think this pandemic is getting me more aroused than ever. Just not enough opportunity. Enjoy!

I didn’t mean to cheat. I’d been going steady with Mark for nearly a year, well a little over nine months anyway. I’m twenty-eight and when he proposed two months ago it seemed like it was time. Now here we were on the eve of our wedding. Hurried? No, I wasn’t pregnant, but this period of comparative celibacy, or at least monogamy, marked a new phase in my life, a new maturity, and end to the procession of failed relationships and one-night stands, and I so welcomed it. For his part Mark was nearing thirty and I think it fitted his life plan.

Sex with Mark was good, maybe not quite as often as I would like, but he did not mind when I initiated it and he loved to eat me out. The truth is I found the fact sex was not always on his mind a refreshing change from most of the guys I’ve known. He has a great job and likes to buy me surprises. What girl doesn’t like that?

His buds were throwing him a stag at some downtown bar or strip joint. I don’t know they weren’t the wildest crew as a rule and most of them were already married. My own stagette had been a week earlier and had more in common with a meeting of some stay-at-home mum’s book club. More than half my friends were already married, and husbands and babies were their entire conversation. No one had even thought to invite a male stripper although maybe that was a good thing.

The only good thing about that whole evening was that my friend Marylyn had bought me a vibrating dildo. There was a lot of joking when I opened it, but I was truly in awe. It was close to a foot long with about an eight inch insertable length and 12 different pulse and rotations, but the crowning feature was that the front three inches could thrust in and out giving it an effective length of over nine inches. I felt horny just looking at it. It must have set her back a hundred pounds or more. Mind you I knew she had more money than she knew what to do with, but still it was extremely generous.

You may gather I had a bit of a wild reputation for anyone to give me such a gift in front of the others. They all insisted I put in the batteries so they could see it in action. There was a lot of laughing and some saying it was way too large to be pleasurable. They thought it was a gag gift, but they obviously did not know vibrators. This was far too costly to be anything but a serious instrument of pleasure, maybe not for everyone, I’ll concede that. I knew could tell from their level of interest that some were more than a little jealous.

I’ve tried it out three times since then and all I can say is she did not waste her money. In fact, I felt it could be helpful in curbing those moments when my hormones get the better of me. That was one thing that was definitely going into my honeymoon suitcase.

Anyway, here I was sitting on my own watching TV when my bestie Ellen came by and suggested we go to the pub. She gave me a minute to put on a dress and some lipstick and off we went.

I was enjoying a second glass of wine when Ron and Paul came over and asked if we’d like to dance. I should have said “No”; Ron and I have a history, but Ellen was already getting up to dance with Paul. I didn’t want to be a spoilsport and they were playing something fast. We finished that dance, and the DJ started an old Elvis Presley number ‘Don’t’. I’ve always had a thing for that song and Mark held me close and then I was aware of his crotch against mine and his growing erection. One thing about Ron is he is always horny, and another is he’s quite big. I could feel it grinding against me.

“Follow me in a second” he said and headed towards the stairs down to the loo. I let him start down the stairs before I made a move to follow him. When I got to the bottom, he was holding open the door to the gents.

“No one inside.” he whispered, and I slipped in. He followed and locked the door. He helped me on to the vanity. It wasn’t big and my right cheek was almost over the basin. He unzipped then dropped his jeans to his knees and then dropped his shorts, the released beast sprang upright. He pushed up my dress and pushed my flimsy panties to one side. I put my hand on his chest to stop him, so I could climb down. I realized what he thought was going to happen, but I was in too much turmoil to give him a blow job.

I peeled off my panties; they were soaked and dropped them in the pedal bin. It wasn’t the first pair that had gone that way, and got back on the vanity and then he was in. I came almost straight away, but not Roy he continued to move slowly in and out of me deeper than Mark ever did and used his left hand to rub my clit while his right had found its way under my bra and was playing merry hell with my nipple.

I was probably on my fifth orgasm and leaking like a sieve when Ron increased his speed and then I felt the rush of his semen deep inside me. He grabbed and handful if toilet paper and wiped himself and my flowing cunt. Someone was knocking at the door. I slipped off the vanity, while Ron called “Just a sec” and flushed the toilet. He washed his hands as I arranged my dress and pulled my hair round my face. Ron opened the door.

“No need to lock the whole fuckin’ place, I only want to piss” said the guy coming in and then he saw me and said “Oh, all right then. Good times.” Thank God I did not know him, but I ducked out smartly with my head down.

When we got upstairs. Ellen and Paul were sitting at the table and she gave me a long look and a slow shake of the head. We’ve been friends forever and I knew she knew but she would never tell anyone. Besides, I expect Mark was getting his brains fucked out by some skank.


The wedding was uneventful, and nobody came up with a reason to think we should not get married and so we were. Then we had to hang around while lots of photos were taken. It wasn’t a big a wedding, only seventy-two including Mark and me, but it seemed half of them were family and had to be in some pictures.

Then we were off to the hotel to change before the reception, which was due to start at five. As soon as we got there, I told Mark I would like to have a freshen up and have a shower. He said fine, he’d arranged to have a couple of beers with a friend in the bar downstairs, but he’d order some champagne we could share later.

I had just got out of the shower when I heard a knock and Mark’s voice say: “Room Service”. He’s such a joker. I shouted: “Come in” and checked myself out in the mirror. I’m just under five foot ten, about the same height as Mark, and I keep myself in extremely good shape. Right now, naked, I felt hot and horny and Mark had come back at the right time.

It really had sounded like Mark’s voice, but when I strode naked into the bedroom, I was faced by a young waiter just placing the ice bucket with the champagne bottle on the table beside the TV. He was probably barely in his twenties.

“Would you uncork it, please.” I asked politely, walking over to my suitcase, as though nothing were out of the ordinary. He looked at me twice and then did as I asked. “Could you pour me a glass, please.” Again, he did so. I walked over to him and took it from him.

“You’re rather hot. Would you like to join me?” I reached out and caressed his cheek. He went a violent shade of puce, but it did not stop him pouring a second glass. “Cheers!” I said, drinking the whole glass while he took a nervous sip. It was no good my hormones had taken control. I took the glass from his hand and put both glasses down. I had the presence of mind to engage the security bolt on the door before returning to him and giving him a passionate kiss.

“Oh, fuck!” he said as I dropped to my knees and undid his fly.

“Yes, in a minute.” I said, as I pulled out a decent sized half-erect penis and began to work my magic. My magic worked well, and it was a very hard, erect penis that entered me as I lay back on the covers of the bed. I was rather taller than he was but in this position size really does not matter. I moved further up the bed encouraging him to follow me and I raised my legs and placed my ankles on his shoulders to allow him the greatest depth.

Maybe I should not have done this for he got so excited I felt him cum and a flood of semen while I was just getting started. This was disappointing. I rarely need much foreplay and I was horny to begin with, but this was just too fast.

He was babbling and I realized he had had the experience of his young life and probably thought he was no end of a stud. I grabbed a Kleenex and wiped us both off hoping he would keep the experience to himself. I unlocked the door and pushed him out with his fly still undone and retreated to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and was about to get in when I heard the door open and Mark called: “I’m back.” A pause and then “Oh, good the champagne’s come. I think the waiter was just catching the down elevator as I got off. I hope you tipped him.”

“Of course.” I replied walking out of the bathroom wrapped in my towel. Mark just looked. “Very funny.” he said.

I walked quickly over to where the two glasses were sitting and managed to discretely hide one in my towel. “The champagne came a while ago. I thought you would be back sooner.” I said with a tone of stuffy criticism. “I had a couple of glasses while I was waiting. That’s why I’ve just finished my shower.” I felt the trickle of semen on my leg and stepped smartly back to the bathroom. “Are you going to take a shower?”

“I don’t think I’ve time.” He said apologetically.

“Well, just let me get ready then.” I said running the tap, while I used a damp face cloth to wipe myself.

“I’ll have some champagne. Where’s a glass?”

“I think they just brought one.” I said, as I rinsed the second glass under the tap and put it in the drawer in the vanity. “Maybe there’s one on the shelf.”

“Only one, that’s dumb” he said. “Well, there’s a tumbler I can use that.”

I hung the towel on the rack and walked back into the bedroom naked. That should stop him fussing about glasses.


As it was, we realized if we did not get a move on, we were going to be late for our own reception. We got a few knowing looks as we walked in just after five, although what they thought they knew missed the mark by a mile.

During the meal there were the usual speeches and toasts, and the usual jokes, that we’ve all heard a hundred times, many based on double-entendres. Thank God only one vaguely referenced the fact that Mark might be marrying an insatiable nympho. Only one idiot giggled. People who knew me kept mum, while those who did not, mostly on Mark’s side, treated it as just the sort of joke in poor taste someone always makes on these occasions.

More photos as we cut the cake, and then the first dance. Mark held me very close as we danced, and I pressed into him, but I did not feel much action there. And then it was time for me to dance with his father and frankly there was more going on there, as he grinned and said what he assumed were words of encouragement for the years ahead. Another dance with him and there would certainly have been a bulge in his pants.

After Mark had danced with his mother he danced with mine. I danced with Jack, the best man, while watching my mum dancing with Mark and she held him very close, and even at one point had her hand on his bum. Did I say that’s where I get my genes? She’d always had it pretty much under control until my dad died and she hit menopause. Now she was barely discrete.

I realized there was something going on with Jack, something a little frisky down there. Jack had been one of our crowd and I’d dated him a couple of times a million years ago, but we’d never done it. Maybe a little grope in a darkened cinema or a quick blow job, but nothing serious. I really did not think it appropriate for him to be pushing a growing hard against me at my wedding reception, but it did make me a little hot.

I went and sat down at the side with my mum. “I think you’ve worn him out, poor bugger.” were the first words out of her mouth. “I hope he can recover enough to get it up tonight.” Well, that’s my mum, direct as ever. Luckily, the only people close enough to hear were two of Mark’s aunts and I hoped they were hard of hearing, although the one closest to me did give me a rather peculiar smile.

And then a thought struck me that had not struck me before. Maybe, just maybe, while I was offering earthly delights to a young waiter, Mark had had been shagging his balls off with one of the bridesmaids. It was a comforting thought; I’m not the jealous type and it might offer the prospect of a long and happy marriage. But then I looked up and there he was sitting at the bar in the corner sinking a pint with his mates, and I knew it was just wishful thinking.

Jack came and asked me for another dance, and I wondered why he wasn’t with Mark and the guys. As soon as we got in close and he started to grind I understood perfectly and what’s worse I was so ready. We hopped on an elevator to his room and then he pushed up my dress and dropped his pants and jockeys in one move. He pushed my panties to one side and then he was in. His hands were under my blouse and bra and we both came in seconds as he held me up against the wall. Jack wasn’t as tall as me and he had slid right into me as we both had our feet flat on the floor. I think we both went up on tiptoe as we came. God, it was perfect. I expected him to go soft, but he was still hard as a rock and started to go again. Oh, this was heaven! I must have come twice more before I felt him erupt inside me for the second time. I stuffed some tissues and a face cloth inside my panties, I did not want any more leaks down my legs.

I turned right abruptly on leaving the elevator and into the ladies’ loo. I washed my hands and exited through the other door into the foyer that led to the ballroom where the enthusiasm in the reception was dying down. Mark was still sitting at the bar with his friends he saw me and waved me over.

“Sorry, I’ve spent too much time here.” He said getting up. “I hope you’ve been keeping entertained.”

“No problem.” I said and felt I should leave it at that.

His dad came over and said, “The car’s ready.” Both of us looked at him blankly.

“You have to leave on your honeymoon.” he said.

“Dad, we’re leaving at three in the morning “said Mark.

“Yes, but this is for the guests, symbolic you know, tonight is still your wedding night. It’s time we got people out of here, so they stop drinking on my tab. The dancing is finished anyway.”

As he said this, he was shepherding us out to his Bentley, which was all decked out with flags and strips of toilet paper and tin cans and a ‘just married ‘sign on the back.

The guests were lined up throwing confetti as he hustled Mark and me to the car. We climbed in he drove once round the circular drive in front of the reception and then out on to the street. He drove over to the park and looped the perimeter twice before heading back to the hotel and straight into the underground parking.

“You kids go ahead while I get this rubbish off the car. Oh, and if I don’t see you again have a great honeymoon. We’re not getting up to see you off.”


I was hoping to have time to have a shower when we got to the room, but Mark was suddenly all ready for action and started undressing me before the door was fully closed. I begged a quick retreat to the loo where I pulled off my panties and jettisoned the face cloth and tissues in the pedal bin. I gave myself a quick wipe, flushed the toilet and walked out waving my panties. They were wet and a little gross, but I put them aside and continued stripping off while he undid his tie and unbuttoned his shirt. I was naked and had his trousers and underwear off in no time. He was eager to eat me out, but I did not think he was ready for the potent mix he’d find brewing in what he referred to as his favourite little puss.

He was a hard as I had ever seen him so with some flattery, I persuaded him to do me doggy fashion on the bed.

He remarked how wet and creamy I was, and I just gave a few encouraging ‘whore moans’ to keep him motivated. I hoped he did not realize he was getting ‘sloppy seconds’ and then some. He did well and with both his fingers and mine on my clit I was able to cum just before he did. He was delighted with his performance and I made suitable noises of satisfaction. He was thrilled with the amount of cum that followed his withdrawal. It’s weird what some guys like.

We made sure our packing was all ready for the morning and Mark went down and made sure we were checked out and ready to leave. We set alarms on both our phones as well as ordering a wake-up call on the hotel system. We ordered some sandwiches and a half bottle of wine from room service. Afterwards I had a bath while he fell asleep in front of the television. It wasn’t even nine o’clock and I was wide awake. I finished the rest of the wine but still felt I needed some company that wasn’t snoring lightly. I put on the dress I had been wearing, picked up the disgusting panties. I wasn’t packing those, so they followed the earlier face cloth and tissues into the pedal bin.


The bar was almost empty, none of the wedding crowd, thank God. A new barman was on duty who did not know who I was. He was a little older and looked a bit like Sean Connery but with a touch of a Yorkshire accent, at least it was something from up North, definitely not Scottish. We were into a discussion of his marital problems when a hand fell lightly on my shoulder. It was Ron and Paul, who apparently were both staying over.

We moved over to a booth to the disappointment of the bartender. Ron went up and ordered them both malt whiskies and another glass of merlot for me. We did not talk about the wedding. We reminisced about old times and some of the randy parties we’d been to not too many tears before. I felt Ron’s leg against mine under the table and it felt kind of normal. Then I felt a hand on my other knee, and it wasn’t Ron’s because he had both his elbows on the table. Then it moved into my lap and started to raise the skirt of my dress. I tapped it lightly to desist, but maybe my tap was too light, because I could feel the edge of my dress on my thighs.

Ron indicated the glasses for another round, but Paul shook his head and made a sort of downward nod with his head. At the same time, I felt his hand find I had no panties and was as wet as a weekend in Manchester.

Ron settled the tab, and we all went up to Paul’s room. God, those guys knew what it was all about. It was the first time I’d had two guys at once and also the first time I had anal. I always thought that was disgusting but I found it added a new dimension I won’t say it was entirely painless, but Paul’s a lot smaller than Ron, not small, but smaller and he seemed to fit there quite nicely.

What do they say? ‘No pain, no gain’. It was a real turn-on with them rubbing against each other inside me, like nothing I’d previously experienced. I have no idea how many times I came, or they came but we reached a point where everyone was done. I hadn’t even taken my dress off, but the boys were in various states of undress and Ron had started putting his clothes back on. They both kissed me and wished me a happy honeymoon.

I slipped quietly into our room, but Mark was still asleep in front of the television. It was a quarter past eleven. I packed my dress, brushed my teeth, and put on a sexy nighty. I turned back the covers on my side of bed and put on the bedside light. I turned off the main light and the television and shook Mark awake.

“Come on, sleepy head” I said yawning, like I had woken up, “brush your teeth and come to bed.”


I awoke to a cacophony of alarms. It was a quarter to three and the taxi was coming at a quarter past. Our flight was not until seven-thirty, but with international flights you have to be there early, and we still had the drive to the airport. I looked around me, Mark was already out of bed but, where was he? I found him sitting on the loo, fully dressed, reading. Apparently, he had been awake for over an hour, too nervous to go back to sleep in case he overslept. I had time for a very quick shower and to get dressed.

Mark and I had planned our honeymoon together, ten days at a Caribbean ‘adults only’ beach resort. A large part of the beach was nude only and I was pleasantly excited about how thrilled Mark had been at the prospect. I’d also told him about my bucket list desire to join the mile-high club, to fuck during the flight, and he had promised me that would happen.

I slept in the taxi and I slept in the Departure lounge, but after take-off they served a breakfast with a bacon omelette, good coffee, and champagne mimosas, I was ready to enjoy an inflight movie. Half-way through, Mark had relaxed enough to fall into a deep sleep, which was a pity because the movie had got me turned on, and I was ready to join the mile-high club. I paused the movie and got up, I knew what the ending would be, I’d seen it before. I walked to the back of the cabin where there were a few empty seats. I leaned against the back of one as I talked to the purser, an attractive man probably in his late thirties.

I had forgotten I’d undone the top three buttons of my blouse because it was hot waiting until we took off. As I leaned over the chair back, I realized my bra was on show and my hard nipples must be obvious through the thin fabric. The purser became quite flirtatious and then I just came out and told him. He did not seem surprised and asked if he could help. Long story short, he moved me into one of the loos and asked a flight attendant called Sharon if she could put an ‘out of service’ notice on it, while he assisted a passenger. Sharon gave us an eye-roll, but otherwise did not seem too bothered.

You wouldn’t think anyone could do it in there unless they were dwarfs, but it was obviously not his first time. He had me up against the door and again my height helped.

“Seven-year itch?” he asked. “Married too young and need a bit of a pick me up, then?”

“Actually, it’s my honeymoon.”


“He fell asleep and it’s on my bucket list, plus I really needed a shag. Thanks.”

“Happy to oblige. Have a pleasant honeymoon!”

Mark was still asleep when I got back to my seat, but at least I’d made sure his promise was kept.


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